How to Prevent Babies!

Hey Babes! (no pun intended) Hope everyone is ready for a rip-roaring weekend. One of my favorite people (my little)* is coming into town this weekend so I know I am! In order to prepare for said weekend of awesomeness we should go in knowing how to prevent babies pre and post wild rumpus.

** I WAS a sorority girl for a while-- I got out while the gettin was good though. A "little" is a little sister in the sorority.

In human sexuality this week we discussed all the forms of birth control. Let's review: There are 4 types of safe sex methods.

1. Behavioral- i.e. Abstinence. EH! Next! Fuck that. Sorry Sorry. If that's how you choose to live your life, big props. But you're an idiot.
2. Barrier- i.e. Condoms. We all know how I feel about those monsters.
3. Hormonal- i.e. The pill. Whoop Whoop.
4. Permanent- i.e. Vasectomy

We learned about some CRAZY methods to that I've never heard of/are just fucking insane. For example:
1. The basil body method aka the rhythm method- This is for women who are super religious and don't want to use an "unnatural" form of birth control. Apparently there's a special thermometer you can use to check the temperature of your cervix and if it falls into a certain range (I'm not sure what range) then you are going to ovulate. The point is you can avoid having sex when you're ovulating so you don't get pregnant. CRAZY.
2. Breast feeding- Excuse me?? Ok granted, for this method you have to have had a baby, then for the next 6 months you have to constatantly be breast feeding the child. Needless to say this is natures way of giving a woman's body a break. It wasn't always that we'd pop em out and go straight back to work.


Condoms: We all know what they are. But are you sure you're using them properly? Always make sure to check the expiration date and that the package has a little bubble of air which means the packaging hasn't been compromised. Sidenote: My professor said if you accidentally put a condom on inside out and it touched the tip of the penis you should throw it out and use a new one, not just flip it, because according to her there can be some sperm hanging out at the tip of the penis and if you get any on the outside of the condom it will be like an express ride for the sperm to the cervix. I ran this theory by hotdoc and he said it's some bullshit. But I dunno. Rather be safe then SOOOORRYYYY. Also, apparently some condoms have this stuff called nonoxinol 9. This is a form of spermicide that will deteriorate the lining of your vagina, (or anus if thats what you're into). Yikes! Avoid it.

Female condom: Has any one ever actually seen one of these things?? Whoa. They're so bizarre looking. I don't think I'll be experimenting with those anytime soon. Plus they look fucking complicated to use.

Dental dam: OK- So I've heard this term in the movie "knocked up" but obvi didn't know what it actually was. A dental dam is a rectangular piece of very thin plastic (you can also just use plastic wrap) but it's like a condom for oral sex. You literally place it over the vag and proceed as normal. Apparently it still feels good. I think I'll pass on this too.

The sponge: Get excited! It's now back on the market after being taken off as a safety precaution! Eh- who gives a fuck. It's this spermicide drenched sponge looking object you have to shove up you. Not appealing.

The diaphram: Your momma's condom. A cousin of the sponge, this is a plastic barrier you also shove up you and can be reused for years. You have to go to a doctor to get one fitted for you though. Custom birth control. Tres chic! Not.

Foams/Jellies/Film/Suppositiories- All forms of lubrications that you can insert into you, which essentially melt and form an extra layer of spermicide. They're supposed to be used as a 2nd form of BC (birth control).

The pill: Know it. Love it. Fun fact-- when you take the pill you are not actually ovulating. You are having a "fake" period.

The ring: i.e. Nuva. Change it once a month or week (depending on the type). Insert. Insert again if it falls out. I have a few friends that tried it. They said sometimes it rubbed inside them and they would get turned on. That's what they should be advertising in the damn commercials for it. Do you know how many more they'd sell??

The shot: Every 3 months. Simple

The patch: No opinion

EC (Emergency Contraceptive): i.e. Plan B! Over the counter pill in case that condom breaks.

IUD: I'm seriously considering switching to this. No hormones. Just a little plastic "t" that prevents the uteran lining from building up. Lasts 3-5 years. Don't have to do shit. Kinda awesome.

Vasectomy: For men. They cut the "vas deferns" which just prevents sperm from being in the semen. But the guy can still cum. Good for him.

Tubal Ligation: Tubes tied. Is a more painful and dangerous surgery. Make the guy get the vasectomy if you're looking for a permanent solution.

And that's about all folks. Now that you're aware of so many fucking types of birth control you better not be having accidental babies. Abortion protestors should be thanking me for giving you this information.

Have a fab weekend!!

XOXOXO
Char